There's No Turning Back Tonight

life as of...

2007-09-05T18:25:18Z

Maybe he isn't as smart as I thought he was, and clearly, I'm not as smart as I thought I was.
I hate it. You spend your whole life building on the hope that you're different. You're not the same as anyone else, no one even comes close to how incredible and strong you believe yourself to me. I hate that one moment can totally destroy everything I've built my life on.
Does that make me weak?
Maybe that's all I am.
But don't you DARE group me with anyone else. Don't you DARE pretend that I'm the same as everyone else. I'm not. I knew what I wanted, and amybe I was foolish to believe you might too. But don't you dare assume that things wouldn't work out, for whatever reasons.
You once told me no one could see the future, so don't be a hypocrit in your own words. I respected you. And if I didn't still, I wouldn't be writing this at all.
No regrets, no regrets, no regrets. Don't make me.
Think about it.

"I'm not here for your entertainment, you don't really want to mess with me tonight... 'Cause you know it's over, before it begins."

"I ain't settling, for just getting by, I've had enough so-so, for the rest of my life."

It's the truth. I'm not a game. And I'm sick of settling for things. I've had enough. I'm better than this.

"You can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment the truth in you lies."

So I made a mistake. PEOPLE make mistakes. And unlike some people, I DO learn from mine, and I won't do it again. I'm promising myself that now. I didn't deserve this. I am heaven and i need to be loved, just like everyone.

I live in Essex County for God's sake! After crying myself to sleep and sleeping for 13 hours, I woke up to realize, that this isn't worth being upset over. I mean I can't stop myself from totally being upset, but I'm not weak. I'm strong. I'm nto like anyone else. I'll fight this. I'll get through this. One more year and I'm out of here. I'll get the adventure I've always dreamed of. I can't let these little things get my down. It's time to make things right. Life is too short to be upset over a boy from ESSEX COUNTY!

I am upset, but what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger. My body and mind WILL heal, given enough time. I WILL make it through this next year. I will be happy. Even if I'm not entirely in this moment. I'm blessed with many things, everyone is, you just gotta find ways to see those things, and know how to embrace them! From now I'm embracing my life. I'll have my moments of hardships, I'll have my share of being down. But I'll LIVE none the less. Existance is pure joy. As long as I'm alive, there's always going to be hope that things can and will get better. I have faith in that.

I shouldn't ever have to convince someone that I'm worthy of them. It should just be known. It should just be mutual. THERE ARE PLENTY OF OTHER FISH IN THE SEA, BIRDS IN THE SKY, KITTENS IN THE LITTER, BUNNIES IN THE FIELD, POLAR BEARS IN THE ARCTIC, TIGERS IN THE FOREST, HORSES IN THE HERD, JEDI KNIGHTS IN OUTER SPACE, ELVES IN THE FORESTS.

Where does it hurt?
Tell me ‘cause I understand
The words of the heart
Beating like wings in my head

I’ve been there, too
I’ve wasted myself
And you were there for me

Where does it hurt?
When you open your heart
There’s always so much to lose
So far to fall
And no where to go when it’s true

But if you let me in
I won’t let you down
Put your faith in me

‘Cause whenever you crash
Where ever you land
That’s where I’ll be

And for every endless midnight
There’s a sky full of broken stars
There’ll always be a place for you
Inside my heart

And there’s a million streets to walk down
In this city of broken hearts
But there’ll always be a place for you
Inside my arms

Where does it hurt?

manybirds @ 2006-08-06T21:20:00

2006-08-07T01:44:28Z

Summer 2006 was supposed to suck. But I thought I had found something to look forward to. Now its gone.
There's a saying thats used quite often that goes, "Don't be sad because it's over, smile because it happened."
Somehow I'm finding it hard to apply that to myself.
I've realized one of my biggest fears is seperation. I get attached to people, but it's more emotionally than physically. Even if I'm not really close friends with someone, maybe if they've just had an affect on me and my life in some way, I care. And I get attached that way.
I'm realizing now that summer is surely coming to an end and fast. For me, it might as well be over, cause all I've done is work, and you know what? I was fine with that up until yesterday.
I knew Sam was leaving for Costa Rica soon for the year. I've come to terms with that. And i knew Andy was sooner or later go off to univerisity.
But I had hoped it be the latter of the two.
Andy.
No words could ever sum up just how much you've affected my life this summer, and possibly from here forth. I know you'll never read this, but whatever, I'm gunna speak as if you would.
From the day I met you, I knew you were different. But since then, I've realized you're different in so many ways. I was terrified when I first came to work. But it was you who made me feel welcome, it was you who made me feel like I had already been working there for some time, and that I was just one of the group. Right from the start, you were friendly. I swear by everything, you're probably the most politest, sweetest guuy I've ever met. You didn't care that I was younger or that I was Mike Kennedy's little sister, or that I'm no "hottie". You still made me feel accepted. You made me laugh like not many other people could. You did so much for me, even though they are just little tiny things like being friendly, but it was those things that made my summer great. I really just wanted you to know who I was, and I just wanted to be your friend. But due to my own stupidity and shyness, I lost that oppurtunity.
There's a chance that you'll be gone by tomorrow. I have no contact with you, and I'm scared I might never talk to you again.
There's always the slight hope that you'll be staying until friday, in which case, I'll have more time. But how will I even know? I have to wait until I come to work Tuesday to see whether or not you're there, whether or not you've left.
I'm scared. I hate goodbyes, but even more, I hate the thought of not getting to say goodbye.
I'm gunna miss you Andy, and no matter where you go, or I go, no matter if we talk again some day or not, I'll always remember you as the guy who made my summer 2006 a summer that wasn't as shitty as I thought it would be. Good luck wherever you go in life.

So now once again, I'm reflecting on that saying. "Don't be sad because it's over, smile because it happened." At the moment, I can't. It's impossible. I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Heck, I don't even know if I'll still talk to my bestest friends in a few years. I guess all we can do is hope for the best, even if that hope is blind.

another post

2006-06-29T16:24:49Z

You know, no matter how much I try to look at the bright side of life, there is always something that blacks it out? It's really true that white can't over power black, and I'm finding it true that happiness can't overpower anger and saddness. So much is changing, and I'm finding it hard to stand straight through it all.

So life sucks. Everyone knows that. But usually like the saying goes, only good can come out of bad.. or whatever. Well so far this year sucks. NOTHING and I mean nothing good has come out of it. So I'm just gunna recap this year, to get things sorted out in my head. And I'm sorry if I offend anyone (or not) depending on who it is.

In January I had a couple "friends" wanting to kill me for reasons I didn't know until afterwards, which were not even true on one person's behalf, and there was a lot of um meanness involved. But that ended okay with one of them. In fact, perhaps we're even better off now, and we're cool and all. But the other one just couldn't stop there. So since then, I've dealt with this one kid fricken being so cruel, what with bashing my dreams and such, and I've done nothing back.

Then there was the incident at the arena near the end of January or early Febuary... I can't remember, when all this crap happened, lots of lies, lots of crying, lots of me never wanting to go back to youth group, etc etc. But that ended ok. Or so I thought. Around this time also is when I thought I was getter to be closer friends with people, but it turns out that was lies too, intentional or not.

I can't remember much of the next months, so now events might not be too exact to the date if you know what I mean.

So since then, I've had non stop aruging with my best friends boyfriend. I seriously don't get what goes through his head. He tells people all this crap about how I start fights with him and he did nothing, when I AVOID him at all costs. So how does that make sense? I don't even talk to him! And he treats me like total shit, and my best friend doesn't do anything, or at least not anything that affects any of this.

Jay and Karla also broke up, which I know, shouldn't affect me, but it does. Either you se it or you don't, you understand it or not, but after the arena incident, Jay had drawn me a picture with this whole all friends thing, and I had so much hope for it. But when they broke up, I lost that hope, and for some reason or another, I stopped caring about being a good person. Don't ask why, I don't even know that.

I also had a baby bunny take his last breaths in my hands, and then got made fun of for it. It's not the fact that I didn't have him very long, it's what I had to see and what I had to experience, and you know, I would rather break my arm a thousand times that have to see it again.

I also got a job, which sucks, and is stressful.

Oh and I can't ride my horse off the property anymore cause she's a psycho.

So that is the major events that I can remember at the moment, and when and if I remember more, I'll be sure to add them.

So other than that, this year has been filled with cruel people, lies, deceit, distrust, and shit loads of other stuff.

Like honestly, last year, and all my life, I knew who I was. I knew where I stood, and I knew where I was going, for the most part. Yesterday I realized, I'm growing up. In a couple years I'll be graduating, and then I have to do something. It scares me. Growing up scares me. Even now. Like I miss being little. I miss just watching cartoons and not worrying about crap. I miss school being easy. I miss just friends. I miss not having to work, or worrying about work. I miss when summer was something to look forward to. I miss trust. I miss wanting to be older. I miss the times before guys meant anything or got in the way of friendships. You know, I always promised myself that I would never change myself for anyone, or want to be someone else for anyone, especially not a guy. And I can't even keep that promise.

And this past month, with all the shit that has happened, I kept telling myself, it's okay, because I was going to see Taking Back Sunday. Music seemed like the only thing I could count on. But then the person who was suppposed to take me, told me the night before the concert (and she didnt even contact me, I had to contact her) that we aren't going cause of all this stupid shit. So I've spent last night and this morning crying. If you know me, than you'd know how much this concert meant to me. I'm sick of getting my hopes up for nothing.

In conclusion, I've had enough of life. Everyone else seems to get along fine, but I can't seem to find how to cope with all this.

PS. happy fricken birthday to myself on monday. not going to the concert was the best birthday present i could ever ask for. fuck you. and i get to work as far as i know. fuck everyone.

manybirds @ 2006-06-23T12:31:00

2006-06-23T16:52:35Z

I punked this from Fawn who violently raped it from someone else!

Do a Google Image search of the following and post the first pic that comes up....

1) Your age on your next birthday:
(16)

2) Your favorite color:
(purple)

3) Your middle name:
(elizabeth)

4) The last meal you ate:
(boston creme donut)

5) Your bad habit:
(biting nails... i guess)

6) Your favorite fruit or vegetable:
(grapefruit)

7) Your favorite animal:
(horse)

8) The town you live in:
(harrow)

9) Name of your pet:
(Smokey)

10) Your first name:
(laura)
.... irony

11) your last name:
(kennedy)

12) favourite genre of music:
(skamo.. lmao shanny)

13) favourite food:
(cheesecake)

14) worst fear:

haha i like that picture lmao.

manybirds @ 2006-06-12T16:07:00

2006-06-12T20:08:55Z

So Im going to see Taking Back Sunday in concert, so nope I'm not excited at all lmao.
17 more days actually!
I started work on saturday... it was boring. my weekend was all about work and projects so blah!
not much else... school is almost over and my b day is coming up. yay!

on a final note: the best place in the world is where your friends are. :]

So

2006-05-14T00:51:01Z

Everything blows. Adam died.
Claire blew me off again! My whole weekend has been trashed.
And I hate Jason at the moment.
yay for shit friends.
Oh and uh some kid said something in history that im not gunna say over this, but he should die.
At least I can enjoy a sexxy party with Ash and Ham.
mucho love

manybirds @ 2006-05-10T21:56:00

2006-05-11T01:58:28Z

So I'm getting ready to update myy lj theme.
And I'm hoping to go to a TBS show in June.
This weekend is gunna be fun. YAY!
<3 wooo

manybirds @ 2006-05-01T15:30:00

2006-05-01T19:33:09Z

so my weekend sucked.
boo

THIS IS FOR KYLE

2006-04-17T22:06:25Z

ok, so i haven't updating in quite some time.
Not much to say. life has been hectic. i guess some people know what im tlaking about, and if you dont you wouldnt care anyways.
alexz johnson is the shiz.
yeah that was kinda weird....

sooooo. i think im gunna do some quizzes in a bit.
im at rodneys right now with shemo and ashley.
well thats it for now.

meh

2006-03-30T19:59:23Z

A moment dances on the fate of love
I close my eyes and pray to the heavens above
Maybe, just maybe, we could be something more
Isn't all fair in love and in war?

So let the games begin
As we wonder who will win
If it's even a possibilty
I can't help my curiousity
I look down, you look up
I wonder how it's possible
That I've had such luck
How I've had the chance
To have known you better
And I think of all those
Stupid love letters
The ones I wrote you everyday
But you never saw
Cause I'm afraid to say
I know it's true, I know its true
So how come I can't tell you?
I'm afraid to say, how I really feel
I'm afraid to admit
That I know it's real.
I'm afraid because this feeling is new
I'm afraid to think, I might love you

This moment dances on the fate of our love
I close my eyes, I begin to cry, and pray to the heavens above
Maybe, just maybe, we could be something more
'Cause all is fair in love and war
I'm getting ready to open the door
And to let you in
Where no one else has ever been

just another girl

2006-03-28T03:41:52Z

I'm sick of this feeling. I don't know how to explain.
I take things for granted.
And I'm pushing love away.

No one understands how insecure I really am.
I appear strong on the outside.
But I really don't know where I stand.

Somewhere in between feeling accepted
and being myself.
I feel drowned, and for once I think I
need some help.

I'm calling out, but I don't
know who for.
I've been given so much
And I always want more.

I'm sorry for all the hard times
I'm giving.
I think I want to feel hurt
So I know that I'm living.
Just know in the end,
I'm so very grateful
And know that I'm thankful
For my guardian angels.

manybirds @ 2006-03-20T14:58:00

2006-03-20T20:05:34Z

I cant remember when i last updated, so i'll just fill in about my march break.
-show on friday. i think i mentioned that though. it was ammmmaaazzzzing <3333
-saturday went to oshawa until wednesday. missed my friends and did random things with carly.
-came home and slept.
-thursday i went to the barn and cleaned summy's stall. i thought i was never getting home cause parents were like two hours late picking me up. i was ready to get walking to claires
-thursday night, called people. shanny and ashley were gone shopping all day... screw them. claire=bored. me=bored. me + claire = fun times. so i went to her house and we made cookies and had a cookie dough war.
-played dress up and bounced in "the bed" and then slept after talking for a while.
-friday (st pattys day) went to my house and dressed all in green. then ended up going to ashleys and playing super smash bros and watching pearl hearbour. had some good convos on msn with people.
-saturday, went back to claires. we were supposed to go to the show in amerst, but couldnt get a ride until later and we misssed the bands we liked so we came back into harrow instead and went to rodneys. made mark come over. had some laughs.
-crashed at my house and had jai with us for the first time.
-sundat went to church and then to claires again.
and thats about it.
ilu <3333

manybirds @ 2006-03-12T15:03:00

2006-03-12T20:06:23Z

Friday was grrrreeeeeaaatttt.
Just as I thought it would be.
The show was aweeeesome! i talked to lots of people. like LOTS of people. from bands and people not from bands. overall it was fun. and i got aother half drumstick and a few guitar picks from people. woompah.
now im in oshawa. its quite fun.
well thats about it really.
<3333

recent pictures!

2006-03-07T04:14:15Z

yay!

manybirds @ 2006-03-05T09:19:00

2006-03-05T14:23:52Z

updating now.
So, im kinda sick. i went to the show on friday, my ears are still ringing. sunset romance was aweeeeessssoooommmmmeeee!
And I like fell in love with the band, Another True Story and Our Last Stride was pretty good too. I got half a drumstick and two guitar picks. And I got to sing in the mic whne our OLS covered secrets dont make friends by fftl. and we are so going to the show neeeexxxxtttt friday for SSR and ATS. wooooohoooooo!
but then i got sick, and drooled a bit in my sleep :(
and now claires upstairs still sleeping, but i have to wake her up.
So thats it i guess.
ex oh ex oh
<3
-me

manybirds @ 2006-02-26T14:17:00

2006-02-26T19:26:34Z

SO! This was a greaaaaat weekend.
Ashley and I went to claires on friday [no show though :(] and we played guitar heroe and rocked out and blasted music and jumped around a lot. it was quite funny. and we were watching the crow, when we heard a weird noise that sounded like an alarm clock but i t only lasted for 10 seconds and there was no alarm clock.... weird.
the next day we ate a lot. played outside, and blasted more music. jai came home. we got pizzaa and we bopunced some more. it was a fun night. we were watching the crow again so jai could see it but then we went upstairs ccause we were scared of the noise happening again at the same time even though we had diaper dog with us.
anyway. thats it in short.
i also got my hair cut. and im doing crap in math.
boooo
love always!
-me

manybirds @ 2006-02-21T23:06:00

2006-02-22T04:09:41Z

Soooo.
Everything has worked out fine. And I'm still so very close to my friends. And I don't plan for that to change.
Things are working out for the better.
But as life always seems to be, I've dealt with one thing, and yet another problem pops up. Though I'm not too concerned. Like I said, now that I know who I am (for the most part) and who my friends are, and where my loyalties lie, I think I'll ahve an easier time working out the knots I come across.
I'll update soon.
SNOW CAMP THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!

manybirds @ 2006-02-10T21:04:00

2006-02-11T02:07:44Z

SO
I've learned quite a bit in the past little while. Life is messy, but somehow, I'm managing to be somewhat happy. And its all thanks to two of the greatest people ever, Karla and Jason! Yay!

I've updated my lj theme. Like it? well thats too bad if you dont, cause I do.

Well, its a friday night and im home alone...
By myself.
I thought claire would have called seeing as she was supposed to come over, but she didnt. Hmmmmm...
Well im out.
xxxx

involving the events of the past few days...

2006-02-06T22:20:43Z

So here's a poem thing I wrote last night before I slept.
I'm planning on turning it more into an actual song.
So here I go:

Have you ever realized
How much you make me want to die?
Even if you can't see it
It's there on the inside
I tried so hard to become your friend
But now I've realized
It was my time poorly spent
I didn't see who you really were
Because in my mind it didn't occur
You're just the same as everyone
And if I had known that I would've been done
Trying to do something that never would be
So let everyone see
You're just another conceited asshole to me

You know you didn't even give me a chance
You took a look and judged at first glance
But thats okay, its your lose, not mine
I have my friends, I'll be just fine
I had a false hope and so much faith
That you were different and not the same.
I only ever wanted to be your friend
All my trying came to a stop in the end
You percieved wrongly, but so did I
So long to my old life
And to you
Good bye

[I guess if you know me, or are at least close to me, you know what I'm talking about. Looking at it now, its has to do with more than I thought it originally did.]

manybirds @ 2006-02-04T23:28:00

2006-02-05T04:31:59Z

So... everything I said in my last entry was a huge joke, no kidding.
And life sucks, and one of those really huge bomb terrorist people with the nukes and whatnot should use them and blow the world to pieces because everyone sucks.
Um, thats all for now.
Meh, don't know if I'll even bother with any details.

manybirds @ 2006-02-02T00:19:00

2006-02-02T05:20:57Z

Amazing last little while.
Youth event last friday was fun. Went to Claires. Stayed up all friday night watching all 3 LOTR movies with Ash, Claire, Jay, Dave and Paige. That was really fun/funny. And we lived there on the weekend.
Exam on monday. Bleh, don't know how I did.
Then I went to Ashley's, slept over. Then went to Rodney's and then to youth. Then after we came back to Rodney's and decided we wanted to go to T-Hortons and so I called my dad and he wanted to go so we went. But we had to squish Me Ash Claire and Hernando in the back seat. I brought Jay back 40-5 TimBits and then Claire Ash and I went back to my house for the night.
Ashley fell asleep [partypooper] and Claire and I had a really really long conversation for hours about things that matter to us, and one thing would lead to another and it was an odd conversation. But fun. *huggles*
Next day we went to Claires, the last day before school started again.
That was fun. Jai and I jammed in the basement's basement and she taught be some drum stuff. We watched some funny videos :D and Ashley left after supper sometime... I ended up staying until just about midnight, when my mom got me after she was done work. It was such a fun day! I was extremely happy. Yay... My ps2 is at her house.... I'm scared for it haha.
Well that sums it all up short and sweetly.
Love you all
xxxxxxx
-me-

manybirds @ 2006-01-24T23:05:00

2006-01-25T04:09:58Z

Wow, so this was a fun night.
Youth group is fun.
I love it!
Woo!
I love you guys sooooooo much.
More than you'll ever know!

manybirds @ 2006-01-15T17:08:00

2006-01-15T22:12:38Z

You can call me an emo, you can call me a prep, you can call me a loser, a freak, a poser. I dont care. You can say I'm trying to be this or that. But I don't care. Because I know who I am. I know what my life is like. And I alone can decide who I am. So for all you who want to label me, by all means, do so.

manybirds @ 2006-01-15T00:40:00

2006-01-15T05:44:10Z

Ever stare at someone's msn name, just hoping they will talk to you?
No?
Just me?
Okay.

manybirds @ 2006-01-07T18:37:00

2006-01-07T23:42:29Z

It's the last Saturday of xmas break. Ashley cant play because she got silly grounded :D Claire will be here soon yay!
Last night I went to go see King Kong with Rodney, Ashley, Mark and Josh. Awesome movie, but sad.
WAS IT REALLY NECISARY TO KILL HIM!?
Of course it was.
Didn't get home until 1am ish.
I bought Phantom of the Opera, finally.
And I went to see Summer today.
And now im waiting for some P and P is you know what I mean ;)